Today we would like to go over with you some of the most classic loose-lipped characters that wander from bar to bar and that every bartender might find himself facing:
- THE FAKE: 2 a.m. on an ordinary Monday night, the only human presence within miles of the poor guy who has a 1 a.m. wake-up call to go to work at the truck stop, and he shows up at the three-quarter-lowered shutter this character who doesn't even notice the wet floor and rather nonchalantly asks you 'But are you closing?'; this particular patron is often the same one who asks for coffee at unacceptable hours and to your response stuffed with the best smile 'I would have cleaned the machine a couple of times already, but I'll do it to you anyway' he manages to reply 'You are very kind.
- THE UNDECIDED: He arrives with company, sits down, chats amiably, but when you arrive to order he tells you that 'Mmm... no, nothing for me'. Corollary to that category is the one who always asks you for 'Two more minutes' to decide, even though he does not open the list, even though two world wars have passed and at least half a dozen governments have followed since he sat down; when you finally appear in front of him, almost annoyed at your presence, he makes you wait another good five minutes consulting with friends and then announces 'One coffee.
- THE VARIANT EXPERT: Numerous human cases should be included in this category who ask for coffees that are not too hot, little correction in the coffee so as not to pay for it, macchiatos instead of cappuccinos to pay less for them, very hot ristrettos but with cold milk on the side. Real idols, Olympic champions of a discipline still (who knows then why...) not included in international competitions.
- THE INCONTINENTS: any bartender sooner or later has happened NOT to serve these phenomena who come in and with all the bravado they have ask where the bathroom is, use it and then leave without having bought even a packet of the cheapest chewing gum or who to your polite request to consume not being a public bathroom, answer 'Sure, before you leave!' but from the evil grin under their moustache you already understand how it will end, and no more than two minutes pass that you see the back door slam.
- THE INCREDUALS: those very nice guys who after a couple of polite chats during which they have made you think you might fall into the category of 'NORMAL' plant the bombshell 'But what do you do for a living?', a moment when something starts to creak... and to your answer 'Well, that is, I would be a bartender,' they manage to sink the punch 'Yeah but besides that? I mean, what do you normally do?', you insist 'I do it full time' and they sympathetically conclude 'Yes but you don't want to do that all your life!'
- THE AMAZING: Those who are not content to call you with an 'Excuse me...' (never be trivial) but try all sorts of exclamations and nouns, from 'Uei' to 'Garzone', from whistles to 'Ragazzo' to 'Tata' (being a woman doesn't help...), collecting so many expressions as to plump up your vocabulary, especially if you are young and patrons feel obliged to remind you that 'You could be my daughter anyway,' then adding 'Or even my niece,' before sliding their eyes to your behind as soon as you turn around, not realizing that you are standing in front of a mirror.
- THE SACIOUS: or all-knowing, or even criminal, since they think (and I emphasize THINK) they know everything about every subject, instructing friends to relatives on global-reaching hogwash that helps spread ignorance, but forces you to remain impassive as you are duty-bound to respect your role. They even manage to assert propositions such as 'I only drink Prosecco, since the Italian Metodo Classico has nothing to envy to the best French Champagnes': obvious, because Prosecco for them is a metodo classico; thus they manage to leave you dumbfounded, with the perennial worry that makes you ask 'But where did they read that one?!'
- THE INVISIBLES: they don't say hello, either at the entrance or on the way out, and if you try to do so they throw you a Cyclops-style glare from X-men (incensed at the first glance); they spend all their time talking on the phone, they order you around with the wave of their hand, they don't waste smiles for fear of wrinkles, and they leave no trace of themselves like the best killers: lethal.
- EXEMPLARY PARENTS: those nice couples who let their children rape their brioche and sprinkle so many pieces of it around the bar that one can only wonder if they even tasted it or just licked it; those who let their beloved little ones ravage the sugar packets, tear them open, dilute them around the coffee table or make the still unopened ones unusable. Praise be to the children who play, but a little less to the parents who don't care by merely commenting absent-mindedly 'Stop it' while yawning or even bragging about it, as if the spilled juice on the chair is the latest installation of their beloved little post-futurist artist.
- THE LOVED: those huddled one on top of the other in a tangle of legs and arms in which even they can't tell what belongs to whom and shove it in your face. Generally, groping is wasted like there's no tomorrow, and even consuming a tonic water, often left half-finished due to irrepressible hormones, can turn into an unprecedented erotic experience. They attract the stares of the whole place, including the bartender, who thinks to himself, 'Maybe the incredulous man in Step 6 is right, I should change jobs.'